如何与不喜欢的人打交道？丨壹读精选

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作者丨DAVID K. WILLIAM
译丨大黄de
In a perfect world, each person we interact with would be nice, kind, considerate, mindful, generous, and more. They would get our jokes and we would get their’s. We would all thrive in a convivial atmosphere where no one was ever cross, upset, or maligned.
在完美世界中，我们交往的每一个人都很和蔼、友好、体贴、细心、大方。我们会互相开玩笑，逗对方开心。我们都沉浸在友好欢乐的气氛中，没有人可以打扰我们，困扰我们，或者诽谤污蔑我们。
However, we don’t live in a perfect world. Some people drive us crazy, and we (admittedly) drive a few mad as well. Those we dislike are inconsiderate, rushed, malign our character, question our motives, or just don’t get our jokes at all — but expect us to laugh at all their’s.
然而，我们并不生活在那个理想国度。总有一些人会让我们发狂崩溃。当然，不得不承认，我们有时候也会令别人抓狂。那些我们不喜欢的人通常都很轻率、冒失，他们也会常常诋毁我们的人品，质疑我们的处事动机，也不能理解我们的笑点 —但却希望我们能理解他们的笑点。
You might wonder whether it is possible to be fair to someone who ruffles you all the time, or someone you’d rather avoid eating lunch with. You might wonder if you should learn to like every person you meet.
你或许想知道，对于那些总是惹我们生气的人，或者我们不愿意与他们共餐的人，我们是不是有可能会公平地对待他们？又或许你想知道是否我们应该学着喜欢接触的所有人？
According to Robert Sutton (a professor of management science at Stanford University), it’s neither possible — nor even ideal — to build a team comprised entirely of people you’d invite to a backyard barbecue.
斯坦福大学管理科学系的教授Robert Sutton的研究表明，你的团队中，并非所有人都能和你关系好到去你家后院烧烤。这不可能，也不现实。
That’s why smart people make the most out of people they don’t like. Here’s how they do it.
这就是为什么聪明的人会充分利用他们不喜欢的人。以下是他们与不喜欢的人打交道的方法。
1. They accept that they are not going to like everyone.
1.接受并承认自己不会喜欢所有人的事实
Sometimes we get caught in the trap of thinking that we are nice people. We think that we are going to like everyone we interact with — even when that’s not going to happen. It’s inevitable you will encounter difficult people who oppose what you think. Smart people know this. They also recognize that conflicts or disagreements are a result of differences in values.
有时候我们会陷入困境，因为我们想成为友好的人。我们天真地认为我们可以喜欢身边的所有人，即使这是不可能发生的事情。你会不可避免地遇到一些难缠的人，他们会反对你的观点。但是聪明的人深谙这一事实。他们清楚地认识到冲突和争执是价值观不同的唯一结果。
That person you don’t like is not intrinsically a bad human. The reason you don’t get along is because you have different values, and that difference creates judgment. Once you accept that not everyone will like you, and you won’t like everyone because of a difference in values, the realization can take the emotion out of the situation. That may even result in getting along better by agreeing to disagree.
你不喜欢的人也许本质上并不坏。但是你没法和他相处的原因是因为你们有不同的价值观，价值观的差异造成了你们之间的鸿沟。只要你接受不是每一个人都喜欢你这一事实，那么你也不会喜欢身边所有人，因为价值观的不同会很快把你从想象的美好世界带回到现实世界。承认差异的存在可能会让你与周围人相处得更好。
2. They bear with (not ignore or dismiss) those they don’t like.
2. 不忽略、不回避，默默容忍不喜欢的人
Sure, you may cringe at his constant criticism, grit your teeth at her lousy jokes, or shake your head at the way he hovers around her all the time, but feeling less than affectionate to someone might not be the worst thing. “From a performance standpoint, liking the people you manage too much is a bigger problem than liking them too little,” says Sutton.
当然，你有可能会害怕面对他那不间断的指责，无法理解她糟糕的笑话，或者鄙视男友成天围着女友转的行为，虽然这些情感不会让我们喜欢一个人，但也不是什么坏事。Sutton说：“从行为学角度看，过分喜欢下属与不喜欢下属相比，前者更容易产生问题。”
“You need people who have different points of view and aren’t afraid to argue,” Sutton adds. “They are the kind of people who stop the organization from doing stupid things.” It may not be easy, but bear with them. It is often those who challenge or provoke us that prompt us to new insights and help propel the group to success. Remember, you are not perfect either, yet people still tolerate you.
Sutton继续说道：“你需要有一些与你观点不同的人和敢于和你争论的人在身边。他们会阻止整个团队做一些愚蠢的决定。”容忍他们或许不是一件简单的事，但是你必须做到。因为这些挑战寻衅我们的人往往会促使我们找到新的切入点，帮助激励整个团队获得成功。记住，你也不是一个完美的人，或许别人也在容忍你。
3. They treat those they don’t like with civility.
3. 恭敬礼貌地对待不喜欢的人
Whatever your feelings are for someone, that person will be highly attuned to your attitude and behavior, and will likely reflect it back to you. If you are rude to them, they will likely throw away all decorum and be rude to you too. The onus; therefore, is on you to remain fair, impartial, and composed.
不管你对别人怀着怎样的情感，那个人都会协调好自己的情绪，对你的态度和行为作出相应的回报。如果你对他们粗鲁蛮横，那么他们也会扔掉所有的礼貌，用粗鲁蛮横回应你。因此，保持公平公正、沉着冷静是大家的责任与义务。
“Cultivating a diplomatic poker face is important. You need to be able to come across as professional and positive,” says Ben Dattner, an organizational psychologist and author of The Blame Game. This way you won’t stoop to their level or be sucked into acting the way they do.
Ben Dattner是一名管理心理学家，同时也是《责怪他人》这本书的作者，他说：“培养一张善于外交的扑克脸很重要。在与人相处的不经意间，你都要表现得专业积极。”这样你就必须学会不畏权贵，不卑不亢。
4. They check their own expectations.
4. 别将自己的期望强加给别人
It’s not uncommon for people to have unrealistic expectations about others. We may expect others to act exactly as we would, or say the things that we might say in a certain situation. However, that’s not realistic. “People have ingrained personality traits that are going to largely determine how they react,” says Alan A. Cavaiola, PhD (psychology professor at Monmouth University in West Long Branch, New Jersey). “Expecting others to do as you would do is setting yourself up for disappointment and frustration.”
对我们来说，对他人抱有不切实际的期望，是一件很平常的事情。我们会期望别人会按我们的意愿来做事说话。然而，这并不现实。 Alan A. Cavaiola是新泽西蒙茅斯大学的一位哲学博士，他说：“每个人都有与生俱来的个性特征，这会直接决定他们的行为方式。期望别人按你的意愿做事会让你自己陷入失望与挫败的境地。”
If a person causes you to feel exactly the same way every time, adjust your expectations appropriately. This way you’ll be psychologically prepared and their behavior will not catch you by surprise. Smart people do this all the time. They’re not always surprised by a dis-likable person’s behavior.
如果一个人给你的感觉每次都一样，那么请重新正确审视你的期望值。这种方法会让你在心理上做好准备，接受别人不能创造你所期望的惊喜这一事实。聪明之人都会这样做。对于他们不喜欢的人的行为，聪明的人不会经常表现得大惊小怪。
5. They turn inwards and focus on themselves.
5. 成熟内敛，注重自我修养
No matter what you try, some people can still really get under our skin. It’s important that you learn how to handle your frustration when dealing with someone who annoys you. Instead of thinking about how irritating that person is, focus on why you are reacting the way you are. Sometimes what we don’t like in others is frequently what we don’t like in ourselves. Besides, they didn’t create the button, they’re only pushing it.
不论你尽多大的努力，有些人还是会让我们生气。在与一些经常惹你生气的人打交道时，学会处理自己的失落感很重要。不要总想着怎么还击对方，让对方生气，你应该集中注意力思考为什么你为什么会有这样的反应。有些时候，我们看不惯别人的一些做法时，他们也不认可我们的做法。而且，这些人并没有制造麻烦，他们只是推动了麻烦的产生。
Pinpoint the triggers that might be complicating your feelings. You may then be able to anticipate, soften, or even alter your reaction. Remember: it’s easier to change your perceptions, attitude, and behavior than to ask someone to be a different kind of person.
找准影响自己情绪的触发点。你就会有可能预料到自己的反应，变温和，甚至改变自己的态度。记住：改变自己的看法、态度及行为远比让别人做出改变要简单。
6. They pause and take a deep breath.
6. 停下来，深呼吸
Some personality characteristics may always set you off, says Kathleen Bartle (a California-based conflict consultant). Maybe it’s the colleague who regularly misses deadlines, or the guy who tells off-color jokes. Take a look at what sets you off and who’s pushing your buttons. That way, Bartle says, you can prepare for when it happens again.
Kathleen Bartle是加利福尼亚的一位冲突顾问，她说，总有一些人的个性特征会让你生气。或许是你的同事总不能按时完成任务，或者有小伙子和你讲黄色笑话。思考一下是什么让你生气，是谁在触碰你的底线？她继续说道，通过这种方法，你可以预先准备，防止再次发生。
According to her, “If you can pause and get a grip on your adrenaline pump and go to the intellectual part of your brain, you’ll be better able to have a conversation and to skip over the judgment.” A deep breath and one big step back can also help to calm you down and protect you from overreaction, thereby allowing you to proceed with a slightly more open mind and heart.
根据她的分析，“如果你可以停下手中的工作，控制肾上腺素，恢复大脑的理智，这样你能更好地进行谈话，跳过那些不开心和偏见。”一个深呼吸和一个忍让的退步能帮助你冷静下来，防止你过度反应。因此，努力让自己拥有开放的思想和宽广的胸怀。
7. They voice their own needs.
7. 表明自己的需求、立场
If certain people constantly tick you off, calmly let them know that their manner of behavior or communication style is a problem for you. Avoid accusatory language and instead try the “When you . . . I feel . . .” formula. For example, Cacaiola advises you to tell that person, “When you cut me off in meetings, I feel like you don’t value my contributions.” Then, take a moment and wait for their response.
如果有人总是惹你生气，那么请平静地告诉他们，他们的行为习惯或说话方式对你产生了很大的困扰。避免使用指责性的语言，尽量用一些“你做……的时候，我感到……”的正式语言。例如，Cacaiola建议你这样说：“当你在会议上打断我时，我觉得你不是很尊重我的付出。”然后，你只需要静静地等，看他的反应。
You may find that the other person didn’t realize you weren’t finished speaking, or your colleague was so excited about your idea that she enthusiastically jumped into the conversation.
接着你会发现，那些没有听你发言的人并不知道你的发言还没结束，或者会有同事对你的建议感兴趣，并积极参与到你的对话当中。
8. They allow space between them.
8. 保持距离
If all else fails, smart people allow space between themselves and those they don’t like. Excuse yourself and go on your way. If at work, move to another room or sit at the other end of the conference table. With a bit of distance, perspective, and empathy, you may be able to come back and interact both with those people you like and those you don’t like as if unfazed.
如果以上这些都没法做到，那么聪明的人会选择与他们不喜欢的人保持距离。给自己找个理由，继续保持自己的风格。如果在工作中遇到不喜欢的人，那么就搬到别的办公室，或者在开会时相互坐得远一点。保持点距离，并换位思考，你就有可能和喜欢的人以及不喜欢的人重新相处交流，没有任何苦恼
Of course, everything would be easier if we could wish people we don’t like away. Too bad we all know that’s not how life works.
当然，如果我们不喜欢的人能够远离我们，那么所有事情都会变得简单。但是我们都知道生活不会如我们所愿。
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